Are You Attracted to a Type or Just Traumatized? Uncover the Truth Behind Your Preferences!

A popular TikTok video is currently circulating, sparking discussions about the modern dating landscape and the common problematic behaviors that many of us exhibit. The insights from the video are worth noting.

A particular phrase from the TikTok caught my attention: “You don’t have a type; you’re just sticking to what you know.”

Over the past few years, I’ve delved into this idea as I navigated dating through my 20s. Following a tough breakup in my mid-20s, I came to the realization that I was repeatedly dating the same type of man, building the same kind of relationships, and then being puzzled about why things never worked out for me.

It’s not that these men were inherently wrong for me. Rather, I kept choosing partners with whom I was inherently incompatible, continually downplaying my needs to appear more attractive, and dimming my own light to let theirs shine brighter.

Why did I do this? Deep down, it felt safe. It was something I could predict and manage. This pattern was learned in my childhood and perpetuated into my adult life, affecting not just my romantic relationships but my friendships as well.

Breaking free from this cycle requires deep self-awareness and deliberate action, and it’s something I’m still actively working on.

This leads us to the question: How can we distinguish between behaviors conditioned by past trauma and a genuine connection?

Distinguishing Between Trauma and True Attraction

When your survival has depended on certain behaviors, changing those behaviors can seem insurmountable. For instance, if you grew up learning that love needs to be earned through compliance and obedience, you might find yourself drawn to partners who exploit those qualities. Or if you tend to be anxious, you may gravitate towards people who are more avoidant.

This only perpetuates the trauma, reinforcing the idea that you are the problem. In reality, the issue might be your selection process.

“When someone is caught in a cycle of reenactment, they often overlook the warning signs,” explained Angelika Koch from Taimi, an LGBTQ+ Dating App. “You might find yourself slipping into old habits, feeling the need to mend things, chase after affection, or earn someone’s love.”

So, how can you tell if it’s your trauma leading you astray versus a true connection? One sign is that you appreciate them as they are, not as you hope they will become.

“Authentic attraction is based on accepting someone for who they truly are, not for their potential,” Koch remarked.

Breaking the Cycle

The first step towards healing from toxic dating patterns is self-awareness. However, to really start identifying and pursuing people who are truly compatible with you, you must be ready to embrace discomfort.

Establish Boundaries Early

If you’re accustomed to acquiescing to others’ demands, setting your own standards and boundaries might seem daunting. Yet, it’s essential to recognize and honor your personal desires, needs, and values. If someone crosses these boundaries, you’ll know it’s time to step away from that situation.

“Recognize the warning signs early and establish boundaries,” Koch advised. “If someone can’t respect your boundaries, it’s crucial to move on to protect your mental health.”

Understanding that Chemistry Isn’t the Same as Compatibility

A tough lesson I learned in my 20s was that intense attraction, whether physical or emotional, doesn’t guarantee a successful relationship.

“People often confuse intensity with compatibility because they focus more on their feelings rather than considering how well the other person matches their life goals,” Koch explained. “Toxic relationships can be highly addictive, creating trauma bonds that are hard to break.”

Before entering a relationship, honestly assess whether their values, lifestyle, and goals align with yours. While it’s unlikely you’ll find someone who matches perfectly in every way, and some compromises can be made, it’s important not to ignore the reality of the situation.

Your ‘Type’ Can Change

Contrary to popular belief, your ‘type’ is not set in stone. I can attest to this personally.

Previously, I was attracted to the elusive, somewhat aloof type—the kind who was all in one moment and distant the next. This changed after therapy and a deep dive into my past traumas and real relationship needs. Now, I find myself attracted to qualities like emotional maturity, empathy, kindness, and stability.

That doesn’t mean I’ve lost an appreciation for passion and excitement in a relationship, but these qualities must be grounded in mutual love, respect, and stability. The selfish and inconsiderate traits that once appealed to me in the past now turn me off completely.

“As your self-respect and love grow, what used to attract you might start to repel you, paving the way for healthier, more stable relationships,” Koch concluded.