Have you come across the term boomerasking? It’s when someone poses a question, not out of genuine interest in your answer, but simply as a setup to share their own thoughts.
This particular behavior was extensively analyzed in a study conducted by scholars from Harvard Business School and Imperial College London. Researchers Allison Wood Brooks and Michael Yeomans divided boomerasking into three distinct types:
- “Ask-bragging” occurs when a person inquires about you merely to use your response as a stepping stone to boast about themselves.
- “Ask-complaining” is when an inquiry is made solely to set the stage for the asker to vent about their own negative experiences.
- “Ask-sharing” happens when someone asks a question and then proceeds to share something neutral or mundane, often a peculiar dream or an obscure fact that might only interest the asker but is eagerly shared nonetheless.
Exploring Boomerasking
According to the researchers, some participants in the study believed that initiating a conversation about themselves with a question directed at someone else helped balance the dialogue, making them appear more thoughtful.
As many of us know all too well, boomerasking sits at the crossroads of wanting to engage and fearing to impose too strongly. Unfortunately, it often misfires, appearing as a selfish and passive-aggressive tactic to dominate the discussion under the pretense of altruism.
It’s clear to everyone that these questions are merely a setup for you to express your own views, especially since it seems no one else is asking you these questions. What might start as an apparently sincere effort to understand someone else usually devolves into another conversation steeped in insincerity.
The researchers suggest strategies to mitigate the self-serving skepticism of boomerasking. If you find yourself falling into this pattern, they recommend asking questions that you yourself cannot answer.
Being an engaged listener who responds in the moment to the speaker’s words and emotions, rather than just biding time until it’s your turn to speak, can also be beneficial. It’s not that you should avoid talking about yourself or never share personal insights; the key is not to do so under the pretense of interest in others’ thoughts and feelings.
Otherwise, you’re just being inconsiderate.
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Miles Harper focuses on optimizing your daily life. He shares practical strategies to improve your time management, well-being, and consumption habits, turning your routine into lasting success.