New Dating Buzz ‘Tolyamory’ Sparks Outrage Among Polyamory Enthusiasts

There’s a wide array of relationship dynamics prevalent today, and ultimately, the notion of right or wrong doesn’t apply universally. What’s most important is the happiness and health of those involved.

Yet, some relationship setups seem less equal or just than others.

Take, for instance, relationships where one or both partners overlook infidelity. There’s even a term for it now.

Dan Savage, a podcaster and relationship columnist, coined the term “tolyamorous” during an episode of his podcast, “Savage Lovecast.”

He described it as, “[Someone] who overlooks a lap dance or a fleeting affair after many years of marriage,” noting, “They focus on the myriad ways their partner commits and expresses love. These compensations make any infidelities bearable.”

“These individuals aren’t ignorant or naive,” he added. “They’re not to be pitied—they understand their relationship dynamics well and have accepted them. They tolerate it to a certain extent, coming to terms with it. In essence, they are tolyamorous.”

That wouldn’t be me.

He elaborated that “tolyamorous means you endure—you tolerate—your partner’s sexual missteps.”

Exploring ‘Tolyamory’

Marie Thouin, a researcher focused on relationships, a coach, and author of the upcoming book “What Is Compersion?”, highlighted a prominent example of this type of relationship dynamic: “Consider well-known couples like Hillary and Bill Clinton, where cheating was publicized—yet they stayed together as a ‘socially monogamous couple,’ rather than separating or fully embracing other partners,” she expressed to HuffPost. “I believe these scenarios are quite common.”

In simpler terms, you allow your partner to cheat. Instead of ending the relationship, you stay and either ignore or show indifference towards the betrayal. Frankly, this concept seems absurd to me. It’s an unspoken, unrecognized version of polyamory, where such behavior is tolerated rather than supported. Because of this, many who identify as polyamorous disapprove of the term.

When this concept of tolyamory circulated on Reddit, users were less than enthusiastic.

“This is a pointless term. It’s just infidelity that hasn’t destroyed a relationship yet,” commented one user. “We don’t need fabricated terms to lessen the blame on the cheating partner.”

“This term seems unnecessary,” another said. “Being generous, I’d say it’s important to distinguish the levels of agreement in consenting to a polyamorous relationship. Some might find it acceptable, not perfect, but okay. However, as it stands, the term carries such a negative vibe that it’s nearly synonymous with Poly Under Duress.”

“Just another effort to blur the lines between cheating and ethical non-monogamy,” remarked another. “Great.”

A fourth shared, “Ugh. Why merge ‘tolerate’ and ‘polyamory’ to describe someone ignoring their partner’s indiscretions? How does a don’t-ask-don’t-tell policy about a lap dance equate to polyamory?”

Truthfully, it doesn’t.