Weaponized Incompetence: Is It Destroying Your Relationship?

The term “manchild” has been making the rounds lately (courtesy of Sabrina Carpenter), prompting many of us to reevaluate our romantic choices and the types of partners we’ve ended up with. I’ve personally been reflecting on whether I’ve ever been in a relationship with a manchild—a realization that’s all too common, unfortunately.

One glaring trait of the notorious “manchild” is weaponized incompetence. Imagine sending your partner to the grocery store, only for them to return having conveniently forgotten several items, or having called you multiple times for guidance despite being fully capable of managing on their own. It feels like a deliberate act of defiance, a punishment for asking them to do something they dislike.

It’s important to note that this behavior isn’t limited to men; it’s a gender-neutral issue and can be incredibly toxic and exhausting within relationships. Here’s what you need to understand about weaponized incompetence.

Defining Weaponized Incompetence

As outlined by Psychology Today, “Weaponized incompetence, also known as strategic incompetence, involves someone feigning inability to perform certain tasks, thus forcing others to take on extra work. This typically happens in two main areas: at home, between partners, and at work, among colleagues. This behavior often leads to an unfair distribution of responsibilities.”

The impact of weaponized incompetence can be overwhelming for the other person in the relationship. Constantly having to compensate for your partner’s deliberate incompetence can lead to burnout and resentment, which are toxic for any relationship.

To give you a better understanding, let’s consider a typical scenario.

Imagine you’re in a relationship where your partner never pitches in with household chores. Each day, you return from work to find unwashed dishes and laundry scattered everywhere. While you recognize that maintaining the home is a shared responsibility, you find yourself disproportionately burdened.

When you ask your partner to help, perhaps they do wash the dishes or fold some clothes, but they do so begrudgingly. Once you finish putting away the laundry, you check the kitchen only to find the dishes poorly washed and a pot unnecessarily soaking in the sink. Upon seeing this, your partner might casually remark, “See, I’m terrible at this,” hoping you’ll just handle it yourself next time to avoid the hassle.

Before you respond, your partner might throw in, “See? I suck at doing dishes.” They’re effectively setting the stage so you’ll lower your expectations and refrain from asking them to do it again. You’re left considering whether to just do it yourself to avoid conflict. This, however, fosters nothing but anger, disconnection, and resentment.

Tackling Weaponized Incompetence

My instinct? Break up with them.

On a more constructive note, as advised by Psychology Today, it’s beneficial to engage in an open discussion about the issue. Approach the conversation with curiosity and without judgment, aiming to understand rather than blame. Listen to your partner’s side of the story and try to unearth the root causes of their behavior.

Together, you can come up with practical solutions such as delegating specific tasks or creating a shared schedule. If your partner still shows no willingness to change or take responsibility, then you need to consider if this is the type of relationship dynamic you want to continue. Remember, you deserve a partner, not a child in an adult’s body.